vocalize

rape culture is a problem. the problem doesn't begin at the rape itself, it's the communication. let me explain with stories.

you're 16 and "still" a virgin. there's this cute guy at the dance. you start to dance and kiss. he knows a private place to go. you're not sure you want to, but you are curious and you go. besides, all your friends are doing it. you start making out again and at the moment of truth, he hurts you because it's probably his first time too and he has no idea what he's doing. that would be a perfect time to stop as it's miserable, but it's too late now, right? so a couple of minutes later, it's over and you have completed your task of "losing your virginity". Good, right? Not so much. PS my girlfriend who simultaneously went with a boy to another room was having the same experience and totally pulled the plug!

Even as a grown woman, I didn't feel like it would be embraced, or necessarily tolerated, if I changed my mind. Or if I wanted to make out, see how it was going and then decide from there. Everyone knows that once you get a guy going, your opportunity for changing your mind becomes less available. One time, I got called all kinds of nasty names, in my own apartment, for repeatedly asking a guy to slow down and grab for other things besides the cupcake. Thankfully, he left swearing rather than hurting me, but I was scared.

One time I was making out with a friend and I wanted to move forward but I couldn't tell if she wanted me to or not. If I did "this" she would make sounds but if I did "that" she was silent. Why didn't I just ask her "Can I?" or simply "What do you want?"? And why didn't she feel like she could give me a green light or a red light? Nothing happened and I think that's what she wanted but I don't know to this day, 20 years later. On the up side, I chose to err on the side of caution.

I once dated a guy from Quebec, the French part of Canada. He told me that his family talked about sex at the dinner table when he was a kid. His aunts would joke about oral sex, for example, and everyone would laugh. Ha ha ha. Normal. Why are we, of British descent (and many other cultural groups), so prudish? 

All of these stories are from the 80's and 90's, and I didn't have a long-standing rapport with most of them. I.e. the better you know the person, the better the chance that you feel comfortable talking about anything. Furthermore, sexual experiences with people you just met are quite common and certainly valid and worth talking about. I don't know what the scene is like now, but my point is that it's nothing new for people to feel like they can't speak about sex.

All the anti-rape campaigns are focused on stopping rape and opening a dialogue about NOT proceeding with unwanted sexual contact. My suggestion is that we have a normal dialogue about WANTED sexual contact. Empower EVERYONE to talk freely about what good sex looks and feels like so that there is no confusion, powerless silences and, ultimately, rape-y contact.

By the time I got to my mid-twenties, I had learned through trial and error how to say exactly what I thought. This is when you learn to drop the line: "You know, I'm probably not going to sleep with you tonight." So you are making a back-door for yourself on the way in. But this leaves the guy walking on eggshells, hoping that he can "convince" you and that you won't pull the plug at any second. And the main reason why we pull the plug after things have heated up? MEN USUALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE SEX PROPERLY!!! That's often why we change our minds. If men, particularly young men and teenagers, were taught how to listen for the right cues, what to do (and NOT do), where to touch (and NOT touch).... and HOW.... then we wouldn't have so much confusion and rape. Particularly since so much is committed by known men. If a man knew that a woman who wants to have sex with him can quickly be turned into a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, he could behave differently. If a man knew that a big reason a woman changes her mind is because he's not listening, he could learn to listen. Furthermore, because there is so much taboo around sex, we end up with all these sick and twisted notions stemming from repression.

I'm not saying we should teach teenagers to have sex, although they obviously do anyway. I don't think teenagers are ready for sex, particularly since I was one who wasn't. I think we should teach young people that sex is a normal part of adult life, that we can talk about with anyone we trust. I think we should teach children and adults that talking about sex is good. I think that if we know how to talk about sex from a young age, that when the moment arises (all too soon for us parents), then we can trust that our children will know how to say that they are not ready to advance, to ask if it's ok to do this or that, that they are not enjoying themselves, that they ARE enjoying themselves, to ask if the other person is enjoying them-self, that they want to wait until they are ready, that they insist on condom usage, that they want to but it has to feel good/right/comfortable, that they have birth control, that they don't have HIV (or do), that they are scared of X, Y, Z, that they are having trouble controlling themselves but they will because they know that it's difficult because someone told them before. See where I am going? If everyone can talk about GOOD sex, then it will be common knowledge and in the absence of  good, consensual, enthusiastic sex is BAD sex which is not acceptable.

I think rape culture is EVERYONE'S fault for only talking about sex in whispers and giggles in adult conversation. Would we send soldiers in to battle without weapons? Would we give a kid a car with no license or training? Would we send them to college with no education or books? Then why in the world do we let them roll into puberty with pulsating vaginas and bulging boners with some crappy pamphlet about abstinence and/or condoms? With music videos, virtual porno aka video games, tv and advertising all sex all the time, they don't stand a chance.... of getting laid, having good sex or of NOT coming into contact with some kind of rape.

I don't know what exactly to say to our children or how to say it, but it can't be any worse than it is now. We have to give them a context for all of the sex input they are receiving. They are getting sexual messages and stimulation from everywhere without a healthy balance of actual information and education that comes from parents and other trusted adults. The last thing I wanted to talk to my parents about was sex. And that's the problem. They should have been the first (or at least second) ones that I went to with my questions. I think it's a matter of more openness and communication.

One advocate I was reading lately is promoting "an enthusiastic yes" rather than the previous "no means no." The problem with this excellent idea is that I know what an enthusiastic yes looks like and you know what it looks like, but how in the world does a teen or young adult know? All they have seen is Hollywood sex where a man and a woman start fucking and the woman has an orgasm in 20 seconds. I once met a 23-year-old man that didn't know that women actually had a physical release that is different than the rest of the action aka 'orgasm'. Whaaaaaaaaat?!?

The point is; love the idea of the "enthusiastic yes" with the caveat that we are prepared to explain to both sexes the details of what that looks like and, presumably, how to achieve it at some point... probably starting with solo???

Anyway... all I know for sure is that if it's possible that teenage boys don't know that it's a criminal offence to touch someone who is unconscious (as demonstrated by their posting it on the internet), it is a crime of society. This is my fault and your fault. Let's start talking about normal, good, healthy sexual contact. And let's stop being so fucking proper. Everyone needs to know that puberty, menopause, childbirth, breastfeeding, miscarriages, post-partum depression, fetishes, wet dreams, multiple orgasms, non-orgasmic people, gay sex, female ejaculation and much, much more are out there and are some kind of "normal." The lack of dialogue is killing our girls' souls. And, though no one seems to talk about it, our boys', too.

Did you know that 12- and 13-year-old girls (and younger?) are having anal and oral sex because they think it "doesn't count" and that you still have your virginity? You should know and you should be scared and angry. Example of a blog post from 2005.

[Don't even get me started that this Canadian government professional said this below about our children!!!]

“It used to be that only the really slutty girls [emphasis mine]— and there was one in each class — would do this,” says Eric King, a senior social worker at the Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, a government-funded children’s mental health care facility in Toronto.

Talk about "rape culture".

One concerned sexual mom of a 7-yr old boy.