Vanilla.

This is about boring, expected, domestic sex. Yawn.

Apparently humans aren't designed to be monogamous. Women were domesticated along with farm animals with the dawn of agriculture. Since men had to know which children were actually theirs as they didn't want to feed someone else's kids. So women have been socialized to "need" stability and protection from one mate. And men are socialized to refer to their wives as the old "ball and chain" and other such flattering things.

Anyone who has ever thought about cheating knows that sex with someone new is much more physically exciting than sex with your partner (in the moment). This is why we don't drink without our spouse! And that's natural, to be attracted to the next hot thing because that's what we were designed to do.

So what do we do? I believe that a part of being human is that we have the option to choose not to act on our animal instincts. That is, choosing monogamy, as I have agreed with my spouse. I am somewhat familiar with alternative sexual agreements that work for lots of folks. I have a friend who has a polyamourous boyfriend. He has chosen, for better or for worse, to be open about his sexual self and has sex with one or more women/girlfriends at the same time... I mean, on different occasions. She can as well, but I don't think she has yet. I believe he is an excellent lover and she has the benefit of only having a boyfriend when he's with her. Otherwise, she's single. That works for her. And I am so thrilled for her!

Me, on the other hand, I have been conditioned to be jealous. The benefit of being able to have lovers freely is not worth the cost of having to share my man. I'm not that generous or detached... or is that secure and mature? Either way, my spouse could never go for it either. It works for us.

I think to be happily married or monogamously-pair-bonded and sexually satisfied, you need to have a partner that has a similar sexual appetite as you do. If you are on the same page for sex and family destination(s), then the rest should fall into place.

Hubby and I have always had sexual chemistry. We broke up once for a year. Getting back together was an amazing process that took about another year all together. I asked a lot of him the second time around. We had a small child. I thought that that was the main thing that kept us together at the end of the day. But reflecting back on it, a mutual child would never have been a strong enough reason. He changed a lot to meet what I was asking. He changed me, too, although I didn't notice it at the time. The 2 things, at the end of the day that kept us together were 1) chosing each other; and 2) destiny. I mean, we both choose each other, equally, sometimes every day, even when we don't want to... we always choose each other. And the second thing is something bigger than us, be that magic, fate, destiny or whatever... something that was always there, conspiring to keep us together. And we always have good sex.

The Sext Talk

As a parent, you always wonder when and how you will have THE sex talk. Is it at 12? 14? 9??? What will I say? Keep it simple, but not too simple. How will my child react? and on and on. It's something that we all should be slightly nervous about, but also proud and excited that the later stages of parenting are rolling up. And that our child will soon be an adult. It's really a wonderful milestone: sexual maturity.

I have just come to the realization that it's not going to be what I had thought that it would be 9 years ago when my son was born. I don't think I will be able to focus on his feelings, changes, how to treat girls and how to be safe. I think that the most urgent and dubious topic of sexual maturity these days is media. Porn, sexts, facebook/twitter/whatever, dick pics. Yes, there is a cute, rhymie name for penis photos that you sext out into the world. Imagine! I just learned about dick pics from John Oliver in an enlightening interview about privacy with whistle-blower Edward Snowden. It basically demonstrates that average people don't really care about privacy unless you frame in the context of their dick pics. Huh.

The doc that really got me thinking about our children is called "Sext Up Kids" by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC). If you are outside of Canada, here is a high school version of Sext Up Kids that you can watch on YouTube. It really rings home the notion that the media overly objectifies girls at alarmingly younger ages and that boys and girls access to and consumption of porn is destroying their sexual mentalities.

We need to know what's going on out there.

Sex Bracelet Game

The Sun or Star Game

Scary (not sexual) Teen Games

Preschoolers Imitating Oral Sex

Russian Sex Roulette

Rape called Lucky Mexican is a "new" term in the UrbanDictionary.com


Open Letter to My Son About