Warning: Sexual content.
I am on a quest to demystify sex so that it's not so... well, mystifying. So that women aren't responsible for generously doling it out and men aren't responsible for cluelessly hunting it. My dream is that everyone will know awesome sex; know how; when; with whom; why; and, most of all, that it's normal and healthy. So, just to spell it out: my intention is to be open, informative and entertaining; no more, no less. OK, let's start with the safest and, paradoxically, the most taboo of the vanilla sex: Solo!
Here's a fun song to warm up:
Faucet Song **Press the white arrow where it says "Play full track" (for my senior citizen readers).
"faucet" by the wyrd sisters
my sexual preference is my bath tub faucet
you might say that I'm in a water closet
my tank is too small and my water bill is high
but my faucet and I get happily by
faucet and I
bye bye bye
I'm a hydrasexual...
Well I know people who play with their food
but I haven't met an eggplant that puts me in the mood
a faucet can't take your heart and run
after all it's just good clean fun
when it's all said and done
it's just fun fun fun
- check out the taps on that one!
Life with a faucet really is a breeze
you won't get pregnant or a strange disease
and if worse comes to worse and things go sour
don't worry baby there's your trusty shower
go with the flow
take me under...
I think I'm getting all wet...
my sexual preference is my bath tub faucet
you might say that I'm in a water closet
my tank is too small and my water bill is high
but my faucet and I get happily by
faucet and I
bye bye bye
throw out the vaseline and toss the KY
grab your shower cap and give it a try...
When I was in my last year of high school, I discovered the aforementioned erotic, aquatic trick that millions of girls and women know about but don't usually talk about. I thought I was the only one who knew about it. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong because I wasn't actually doing anything; just passively, "oops, how'd that happen... again?" You know? Oddly, I was already sexually active with my boyfriend, but this was different. Not only was it questionable on my conscience, but logistically, it was tricky, too, because the bathroom had 2 doors and only one locked. It was so nerve-wracking worrying about someone walking in. There wasn't a lot of privacy in a household of 6. I don't think I ever got caught, but I'm not sure. There was something "clean" about it that made it ok... maybe a poetic or religious thing? Someone else in my life was simultaneously experimenting with an electric nail file (removable sandpaper!), but I didn't know that until years later.
Just as an aside here, I accidentally discovered female ejaculation when I was 16. I didn't know what it was. Neither did my boyfriend and he didn't mention it the first couple of times it happened. Then one time he referred to it as "peeing the bed" at which point I realized it must have been wrong and stopped. It wasn't until years later that I found out that it was not only normal but was somewhat of a holy grail of women's sexual experiences and that only a few learn how to do it. Right up there with multiple and tantric. I have gathered a small but general consensus that female ejaculation is achieved by pushing out and pulling in your vaginal muscles and/or combined with g-spot/vaginal opening stimulation. For example, if the penetrating partner moves their body lower to get that sharper angle and shorter depth. From what I have observed, it's not at the same time as orgasm, but it probably could be. Either way it sure is sensational. There are real live examples in girl-on-girl porn sites, descriptively referred to as "squirting." Check some out. I won't put this link in. I have a line, believe it or not.
Back to self pleasuring. It wasn't until I was in university for the 2nd time that my lover asked me on the phone one night if I masturbated. I said no (the water thing didn't count, obviously) and he said "Why not?" I didn't know why not so we quickly got off the phone and then I got off. It's so strange that it was all such a big deal. Really, masturbation should be promoted and celebrated... particularly to pre-teens and teenagers, right? For me, it just seemed like it was so wrong. I don't know exactly where I got that because I don't remember anyone telling me, but it just seemed weird to touch my own body. I was raised Catholic and must have gotten the message subconsciously. I knew we weren't supposed to do anything... so I guess it all stemmed from that unnatural suppression of animal desires. After all, no one wants to go blind, right?
Boys seem to masturbate across the board. Sorry, bad visual. Actually, good visual... here's a scene from a sexy Mexican movie called Y Tu Mamá Tambien (And Your Mother, Too) that illustrates my metaphor literally.
They are saying the names of women they know, ending with his cousin, the other star of the movie. The title of this clip, "Chaqueta," is Mexican Spanish for "jerk off" but literally means "jacket." Right after this clip ends, you see the little swimmers falling into the water. It's pretty funny! Here
is a link to stream the whole movie. It's got a lot of f-bombs and nudity but I highly recommend it if you are ok with that.
Where was I? Boys seem to masturbate across the board. tee hee. But girls? Some or lots do, but certainly not all do. I don't even think all women do but I'm pretty sure "all" men do. Wouldn't it be great if we all learned how to masturbate and please ourselves so that when we finally took a lover, we would know what to do and how to meet our partners in the game?
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were sexually nurtured and didn't end up in the subways flashing and wanking to freak people out? And much, much worse?
I was at a comedy show and the female comedian says "Who all has desperately searched all over the house for something to use for penetration?" OMG, my sister and I were killing ourselves laughing! If you don't have your tickle trunk stocked, it can be a struggle. The easiest solution is always phallic shaped fruits and vegetables. Affordable and edible. I recommend condoms on anything and everything you put in your orifices! My Hubby gets really mad whenever I make the cucumber joke when he's out of town. Sorry, Honey; nothing compares to you. Really!
When I was in college the third time, I took all kinds of fun stuff like Spanish, Canadian Studies and Women's Studies. In the latter, we got to do a group project on any topic. 5 women and I chose "Orgasm" as our topic. It was great having the whole gamut of lesbian-multi-orgasmic woman to rape-survivor-pre-orgasmic woman and everyone in between. We had so much fun and tears and learned a lot about really interesting things. In our presentation, we used Barbie dolls for demonstrations and had all kinds of toys and tools that we used alone for fun. My dear friend picked up my toy and said "One of us even uses THIS to masturbate" and then looked right at me. She's so discreet. Oddly, it was a white ceramic door hook, like for a bathrobe. I dunno?!? It mustn't have been deemed necessary to pick up the double-ended dill and "not" look at the token lesbian.
Once upon a time, I was having trouble staying awake driving alone at night. It was something that I struggled with over a dangerously long period of time. I have no idea what possessed me one night, but I thought it might help to play with myself. Surprisingly, it was not only pretty easy to do but it was very invigorating. It wasn't that difficult to stay on the road, it took a lot longer than it would under normal circumstances, enhancing the experience, and it worked like a charm for getting through the dozy phases. The time I remember most was on the road to Tofino, BC one night. Try it some time if the need arises. I don't have a clue if it would work for men as organisms seem to have the opposite effect on the opposite sex. Anyone?
When I was pregnant, I was obsessed with and terrified of tearing my vagina. My sister told me that it's only skin and is meant to tear. She was right, of course, but before the fact, I just couldn't get my brain around anything past the birth and the tearing. In Vancouver, hundreds of years earlier, I had heard about a live sex show in which a woman sat on a pylon. I mean, she sat her vagina on the pylon and it went inside of her to some unknown extent. I was really horny when I was pregnant and my hubby was worried that he would hurt the baby, so I was all about the auto-eroticism. I also thought that it would probably be useful to do some vagina training to try to stretch out my vagina a bit before going for the cantaloupe-sized baby head. Besides, Alice Walker wrote about the woman who had an orgasm as she was giving birth in "Possessing the Secret of Joy." It was interesting, practicing. Pleasure and pain. But it worked, I had an 8lb (3.5kg) baby and no tearing. I don't think I recommend this, though. He was 3 weeks early and I don't know if it was my fault. Don't try this at home.
Orgasmic birthing:
Where was I? Boys seem to masturbate across the board. tee hee. But girls? Some or lots do, but certainly not all do. I don't even think all women do but I'm pretty sure "all" men do. Wouldn't it be great if we all learned how to masturbate and please ourselves so that when we finally took a lover, we would know what to do and how to meet our partners in the game?
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were sexually nurtured and didn't end up in the subways flashing and wanking to freak people out? And much, much worse?
I was at a comedy show and the female comedian says "Who all has desperately searched all over the house for something to use for penetration?" OMG, my sister and I were killing ourselves laughing! If you don't have your tickle trunk stocked, it can be a struggle. The easiest solution is always phallic shaped fruits and vegetables. Affordable and edible. I recommend condoms on anything and everything you put in your orifices! My Hubby gets really mad whenever I make the cucumber joke when he's out of town. Sorry, Honey; nothing compares to you. Really!
When I was in college the third time, I took all kinds of fun stuff like Spanish, Canadian Studies and Women's Studies. In the latter, we got to do a group project on any topic. 5 women and I chose "Orgasm" as our topic. It was great having the whole gamut of lesbian-multi-orgasmic woman to rape-survivor-pre-orgasmic woman and everyone in between. We had so much fun and tears and learned a lot about really interesting things. In our presentation, we used Barbie dolls for demonstrations and had all kinds of toys and tools that we used alone for fun. My dear friend picked up my toy and said "One of us even uses THIS to masturbate" and then looked right at me. She's so discreet. Oddly, it was a white ceramic door hook, like for a bathrobe. I dunno?!? It mustn't have been deemed necessary to pick up the double-ended dill and "not" look at the token lesbian.
Once upon a time, I was having trouble staying awake driving alone at night. It was something that I struggled with over a dangerously long period of time. I have no idea what possessed me one night, but I thought it might help to play with myself. Surprisingly, it was not only pretty easy to do but it was very invigorating. It wasn't that difficult to stay on the road, it took a lot longer than it would under normal circumstances, enhancing the experience, and it worked like a charm for getting through the dozy phases. The time I remember most was on the road to Tofino, BC one night. Try it some time if the need arises. I don't have a clue if it would work for men as organisms seem to have the opposite effect on the opposite sex. Anyone?
When I was pregnant, I was obsessed with and terrified of tearing my vagina. My sister told me that it's only skin and is meant to tear. She was right, of course, but before the fact, I just couldn't get my brain around anything past the birth and the tearing. In Vancouver, hundreds of years earlier, I had heard about a live sex show in which a woman sat on a pylon. I mean, she sat her vagina on the pylon and it went inside of her to some unknown extent. I was really horny when I was pregnant and my hubby was worried that he would hurt the baby, so I was all about the auto-eroticism. I also thought that it would probably be useful to do some vagina training to try to stretch out my vagina a bit before going for the cantaloupe-sized baby head. Besides, Alice Walker wrote about the woman who had an orgasm as she was giving birth in "Possessing the Secret of Joy." It was interesting, practicing. Pleasure and pain. But it worked, I had an 8lb (3.5kg) baby and no tearing. I don't think I recommend this, though. He was 3 weeks early and I don't know if it was my fault. Don't try this at home.
Orgasmic birthing:
“I had the most sought-after midwife in France – my competent and funny aunt Marie-Therese, whose radical idea it was that childbirth above all should feel sexy. I listened to nothing but gospel music during my pregnancy, a music quite new to me, and to France, and “It’s a High Way to Heaven” (“…nothing can walk up there, but the pure in heart…”) was playing on the stereo during the birth; the warmth of the singers’ voices a perfect accompaniment to the lively fire in the fireplace. My vulva oiled and massaged to keep my hips open and my vagina fluid, I was orgasmic at the end. Petit Pierre practically slid into the world at the height of my amazement, smiling serenely even before he opened his eyes.” - Alice Walker, Possessing the Secret of Joy
Amaze-balls.
When we left Canada, I didn't think it was wise to drive 6700km across 2 international borders with my "The Rabbit; as seen on Sex and the City." So I gave it away to a close friend. I forgot to ask if she ever got into it. I must follow up. Maybe I'll get it back if it's not being used :)
It probably sounds like I am a woman obsessed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not givin' 'er every day and every night. Although I have met some wonderful folks who do. And at brief times in my life, I have done. Now, for me, it's nice to have "alone time" every now and then but usually my Hubby covers all my bases. What I am mostly concerned about is that everyone is down with the sexual soliloquy. That it's fun and healthy. That you can go anywhere through fantasy to pure physical and everywhere in between. That we recognize that it's the safest sexual place to go - particularly for the very young and very curious! Be free. I think that plentiful, real information is so much more useful than people getting twisted and confused "information" from whomever it happens to be. Particularly for our young teen children.
To wrap it up on a fun note; don't we ladies need to start using some of our own words for wanking? I found this awesome list that just killed me. My favourites are:
Random Robin Williams clip:
Notice how much more the women are laughing than the men? It's because it totally looks like that... well, it did before Brazilians were in.
Peace out. Jerk off. Write me some feedback.
When we left Canada, I didn't think it was wise to drive 6700km across 2 international borders with my "The Rabbit; as seen on Sex and the City." So I gave it away to a close friend. I forgot to ask if she ever got into it. I must follow up. Maybe I'll get it back if it's not being used :)
It probably sounds like I am a woman obsessed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not givin' 'er every day and every night. Although I have met some wonderful folks who do. And at brief times in my life, I have done. Now, for me, it's nice to have "alone time" every now and then but usually my Hubby covers all my bases. What I am mostly concerned about is that everyone is down with the sexual soliloquy. That it's fun and healthy. That you can go anywhere through fantasy to pure physical and everywhere in between. That we recognize that it's the safest sexual place to go - particularly for the very young and very curious! Be free. I think that plentiful, real information is so much more useful than people getting twisted and confused "information" from whomever it happens to be. Particularly for our young teen children.
To wrap it up on a fun note; don't we ladies need to start using some of our own words for wanking? I found this awesome list that just killed me. My favourites are:
- giving a noogie to your monkey
- one-handed bridge
- shuck the oyster
- sinking the vibrating sub
- stroking the nether-beard
- tickling the taco
Random Robin Williams clip:
Notice how much more the women are laughing than the men? It's because it totally looks like that... well, it did before Brazilians were in.
Peace out. Jerk off. Write me some feedback.
No comments:
Post a Comment